Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.
– Proverbs 18:21

Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.
– Matthew 12:33-37

The words we use without thinking speak volumes about what we really think. Our language tells the stories we that we tell ourselves, and the stories that we tell ourselves shape how we act (or react) in any given situation. Jesus says in Matthew 12, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” What’s in your heart will inevitably be revealed by the words you use.

There’s one common story that I heart coming up in the words I catch myself and those around me using. This kind of speaking is simply accepted and generally goes without comment, but I believe it points to a significant need for heart change.

It’s found in phrases like, “My boss made me stay late.” or, “She just makes me so angry.” or, “I’m sorry I didn’t get the yard mowed, things just kept coming up,” or “I just can’t help it.”

The common thread in those phrases? The story the speaker is telling is; “I am the victim of other people or circumstances. I couldn’t help what I did, said, or thought.” I had to, she made me, I couldn’t, and many others are cue phrases for victim language. It’s a language of powerlessness that is a socially acceptable way of moving the blame off of ourselves and onto someone or something else. The authors of Crucial Conversations – one of the best books I’ve found on the topic of dealing with conflict – describe victim language this way:

when you tell a Victim Story, you intentionally ignore the role you have played in the problem. You tell your story in a way that judiciously avoids whatever you have done (or neglected to do) that might have contributed to the problem.

Crucial Conversations, p. 117

Victim language is something that, I believe, Satan uses to keep many followers of Jesus in powerlessness and prevents us from walking in the fullness of who we are in Christ. If the words we use communicate what’s truly in our hearts, then victim language reveals a heart-posture that misses some key truths in the Gospel message.

Before I proceed, a note: this post isn’t saying that we shouldn’t not use victim language when we are actually victims. In circumstances of abuse, violence, and legitimate victimization it’s crucial to acknowledge the damage done and to affirm the reality that the victim is not responsible. This post is not about those circumstances – it is about the day-to-day language that we use.

Why you shouldn’t use victim language

It’s the language of blame

The first place we see victim language used in Scripture is immediately after the first sin. God approaches Adam and Eve after they disobeyed and ate of the tree of Good and Evil against God’s clear command. Adam’s response to God’s questions is the language of a victim; “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” (Genesis 3) His statement implies that God is the one truly at fault for giving him Eve, and that Eve is at fault for giving him the fruit. He’s not to blame. He’s a victim in the whole thing. Eve plays the same game, passing blame to the serpent and putting herself in the role of victim. I can’t help but wonder if Genesis 3 would have played out differently if Adam and Eve had chosen to take full responsibility for their choices, repented, and asked for forgiveness. But they didn’t. They played the victim.

God holds us responsible

After all, God holds us responsible for our choices, even to the point where Jesus can declare, “on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” in Matthew 12. Victim language tries to hide us from that God-given responsibility, just as Adam and Eve did. And, as He did for Adam and Eve, God will hold us responsible for our choices.

Jesus didn’t use it

Even when he truly was a victim of betrayal, unjust condemnation, and murder Jesus refused to use the language of a victim. When Jesus comes before the Father in prayer he doesn’t try to escape the pain of the reality he’s entering. Instead he owns the experience and declares that he will do as His Father desires. He didn’t try to manipulate sympathy from Pilate or the crowds, or even try to justify himself. As John’s Gospel records, “Pilate said. ‘Don’t you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?’ Jesus answered, ‘You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.’

Victim language dishonors you and those involved

God created humans in His image with the power of choice and the burden of responsibility. When we use victim language we dishonor ourselves by buying into the story that we’re at the mercy of other people and our circumstances. It also implies that any other people involved are villains with the intention to harm you, which is generally not the case.

It prevents change by making us believe we’re helpless

Ultimately victim language prevents us from changing by affirming the lie that we’re helpless. If we’re the victim we can’t do anything to change. When you have no responsibility you have no power. I’ve seen this play out so often in my own words and those of the people around me, and I believe that this subtle acceptance of helplessness and victimhood is a significant contributor to the laxness of today’s church.

Replace victim language with powerful language

We can’t settle for being victims, not when we have the power of the Holy Spirit indwelling us and we are anointed sons and daughters of the Father who has all power, honor, and glory in the universe. We’re children, but not helpless ones. We need to re-script the stories we’re telling ourselves to align with the Story that God has already told in Christ, and part of that process is reshaping the language that we use. Using instead the language of choice, power, and responsibility. Take ownership of the choices you make and it will free you to make different choices.

Try this out. For the next 24 hours pay attention to the words you use. When you catch yourself using victim language, reset and restate. It might sound like this:

• “My boss made me work late” becomes, “I value my job and want to work to honor the Lord, so I agreed to work late.”
• “She made me angry” becomes, “I chose to let myself get angry at her when I could have responded differently.”
• “I couldn’t help it” becomes, “I made the wrong choice.”
• “Things kept coming up” becomes “I’m sorry I didn’t get that completed on time – I chose to prioritize several others things more highly.”
• “I can’t volunteer at that event, my schedule is packed this week” becomes “I won’t be able to volunteer, I’m keeping that night free for an evening of rest.”

The writer of Proverbs states, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” The Apostle James makes a similar statement when he describes the tongue as the rudder that directs a massive ship. We can’t afford to submit to being directed to live as victims by the words we speak.

Make the conscious decision to not speak anything that doesn’t align with who God is and who you are in Christ. It may be work, but you won’t regret it. Your words matter. Watch your language.