If you’re alive you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to get sick. There will be conflict in relationships. Someone you love will die. A long-time friendship will splinter and end abruptly. You’ll get laid off. The details of the hurts and challenges will vary, but the reality of living in a broken world is that you’re guaranteed hardships.
The question is, what will you do with those hardships?
In the midst of moments of pain and hardship one of the most common human tendencies is to question why. Why did this happen to me? Why now? Why…?
But is “why?” really the question we should be asking?
Your question determines your answer
The questions you ask matters massively, because the question you ask determines the answer you get.
If I ask a friend, “How’s it going?” in normal conversation it’s highly likely that their answer will be some variation of “Fine,” or “It’s going pretty well.” However, if I ask “How are you doing, really?” they will likely pause for a moment and then answer with far more depth and honesty.
One more example.
Asking Why
In his book Cry of the Soul, Dan Allender makes the comment that asking “Why” something harmful happened isn’t helpful because we often aren’t really interested in the factual or motivational reasons that led to the thing happening. When a parent of a child killed in a car accident asks, “Why did this happen?” they’re not asking someone to tell them what caused the driver to speed through the red light or about the physics behind two vehicles striking each other.
Instead, “Why?” is often our attempt at escape and control. We want to know why something happened so that we can make sure it never happens again. And when that’s the case, we’re fleeing from faith. Faith isn’t always easy; quite the opposite.
The pain of faith
Think of Hebrews 11. Abraham, Enoch, Noah, Moses, and others knew what they were promised and who had made the promise. They didn’t necessarily know why the things that took place in their lives took place. Their walk of faith took them through painful circumstances – some even to the point of violent death – and through to the other side.
Instead of why, ask “What” and “Who?”
When you find yourself stuck in the hardships of life, rather than trying to divine the “why” behind the struggles so that you can escape the pain, instead practice the faith of sitting in the moment and allowing God to unfold who he is for you and what he’s inviting you into.
Ask “Who?”
Like Paul declared in one of his epistles, “I know the one whom I have believed in.” It is often in our pain and hardship that God is most present and most clearly revealed. It’s also in those moments that who we are is made most evident.
When you’re in a moment of pain, ask “God, who do you want to be for me right now?,” “Who are you inviting me to be?,” and “To whom should I go for help?”
Ask “What?”
In a similar vein, questions like, “What are you revealing about yourself in this situation, God?” and “What does faith look like right now?” will be far more helpful than the futile “why?”
Whereas “why?” tends to lead towards isolation and control, “who” and “what” questions become invitations to partnership and deeper relationship with God and those he has placed around you.
The answer is goodness
God loves our questions, whether what or who or even why. He loves conversation with his children. But that doesn’t mean that we get the answers we’re hoping for, regardless of what questions we might ask.
The key is the heart behind what we ask and whether or not we’re actually listening for the response. When we actually listen with the open heart of faith, we will – especially in our pain – discover God and the rich rewards that he holds for those who seek him. After all, “without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”
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