“Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy. “
Proverbs 27:5-6
This morning I took a break from my normal Bible read through and spent some time meditating on a chapter in Proverbs. The proverb above stood out to me, partially because I’d highlighted it on one of my previous readings, and partially because it’s deeply applicable to this holiday season that we’re entering.
Thanksgiving is was last week. Christmas and New Year’s are only a few weeks away. If you’re like most people you’ll probably be spending a larger-than-normal amount of time with extended family over the next several weeks. That can be a great thing. It can also be a frustrating, painful, and anxiety-inducing.
Families and hidden love
Far too often in Midwestern culture the love between brothers and sisters, parents and children, and even between close friends is a hidden love. It’s one that has actions but is rarely verbalized. Or it may be something so deeply hidden that it doesn’t even show itself in any directly loving actions – at least not felt as such by the one receiving it.
Think, for instance, of the father who believes he’s loving his family by working long hours and providing well financially, when in reality his family need his presence; of the siblings who get along fine but barely know each other; of the grandparents who have never shown affection to the grandchildren that they obviously care deeply about.
Open Rebuke
The writer of the proverb declares the uncomfortable truth that open rebuke is better than love that is hidden and not experiential to the one loved.
Note that this is not better as in “feels better”. It’s a pragmatic kind of better. Just as it’s better to have someone honk their horn at you when you’ve left your coffee mug on your car roof than it is for them to smile and wave, so it’s better to have someone point out a problem in your life than to have them simply smile and nod and be nice.
The painful reality is that many holiday family gatherings are full of smiles, nods, and being “nice” when what is actually needed is the temporary pain openness and honesty, of some faithful wounding to replace the false kisses, hugs, and meaningless small talk over the dinner table. Better to address the issues than to gloss over them for another year, keeping love hidden even longer.
If your time with your family is anxiety-inducing, frustrating, and painful, it’s worth evaluating whether or not there’s a need for some graciously direct rebuke and heart-level conversation. If we truly love those in our families we need to take the risk of addressing the real issues that have kept love hidden.
But note, the proverb never says that open rebuke is the ultimate goal. It just says that it’s better than hidden love. The aim isn’t to be someone who is constantly rebuking people. What’s better than both hidden love and open rebuke?
Open Love
Better is open rebuke than hidden love, but better still is the open love that we find in Christ and in our own lives when we are following his lead. Paul encourages the church in Rome to, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” (Romans 12:10) That’s a command that many families could benefit from taking to heart in the holiday season.
The love that flows from Jesus is no hidden thing. It’s not stuffed behind a stern exterior or managed by the dictates of stoic cultural norms. It’s an open, joyful love, verbalized and demonstrated in ways that the beloved actually experiences as loving. It’s demonstrated ultimately in his death and resurrection, but also in the long conversations with his disciples before he dies, in his weeping for Lazarus’ death before he resurrects him, in his tender restoration of Peter after Peter’s betrayal, and in thousands of other visible and tangible ways.
This holiday season let’s be intentionally open about our love for those around us, particularly our families. That love may look like open rebuke for a time, but it must never end their. Love always culminates in joy and delight, in laughter and heart-to-heart conversation, and in simple enjoyment of each other.
May your holidays this year be ones full of open love, and if your family is one whose love is deeply hidden, may the journey towards bringing that love into freedom and light start this year and be a rich and transformative process.
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