Back in July Kelly and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. As I’ve done for several of our past anniversaries, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what I’ve learned and discovered about myself, Kelly, and this mystery called marriage in that time.
This is about 6 months belated, but that feels appropriate for this season of life where we’re always scrambling to keep up with three kids, ministry, and the work of daily life. So, for what it’s worth, here are 10 of my discoveries from the last 10 years of marriage.
Wisdom from 10 years of marriage:
1. Relationships get better with practice
Despite the fact that the last year and a half has been one of the most emotionally challenging of our years together, Kelly and I have felt more connected, in love, and glad to be together than ever.
The lightness and joy that comes with the emotional high of the first months and year of marriage faded long ago, but we’ve have deep roots in our life together. We’re better at navigating conflict, better at sex, better at parenting, better at communication, and so much more. Relationships get better with practice.
2. No matter how hard you try, you can’t make someone else change
A few mornings ago I was talking about marriage with a few other guys, some married and some approaching marriage. One of the things we kept coming back to is that we need the humility to accept God’s pace in growing both us and those around us. It’s so easy to enter into a relationship with the belief that you’re going to make the other person change, but the reality is that your attempts will, more often than not, fail miserably. Far better to pray, trust, love, and let God work in his timing.
3. Marriage works best when you’re both partners and lovers
We’ve been partners in ministry since before we were dating, working together to start what became Threshingfloor. It’s been a huge blessing to be working together on something, but I’ve discovered I can also take the partnership part of the equation too far. My default is to focus on being more effective partners when what Kelly needs is for us to be more intimate lovers – to have unhurried time together to talk and relax and enjoy just being together. Marriage works best when both of those things are integrated well.
4. Your differences are your greatest asset
Each year I continue to discover and be surprised by just how different Kelly and I are. God’s created each of us uniquely and we each bring to the marriage dramatically different experiences and perspectives. When those differences surface it’s easy to get annoyed, frustrated, and angry, but the reality is that those differences are probably one of your greatest assets together. Learn to embrace and celebrate those differences.
5. Most of your fights aren’t really with each other
I can’t put an exact number on this, but my guess is that 85+% of our fights in our 10 years of marriage have, upon reflection, actually been fights with each other’s parents. We were both raised in homes with different priorities, concerns, habits, etc, and those things deeply shape how we each operate. When we’ve honestly assessed things after conflict, more often than not we discover that our disagreements have more to do with our personal history than with an actual, fundamental disagreement about what is good or right.
6. You need to schedule time for the important conversations
In the years prior to kids we could have the deep, important conversations that we needed to have at any time we wanted.Now that we’re 6 years into parenting and juggling three kids, full time ministry, and the practicalities of life, if we don’t actually make a plan for when we’re going to have those big conversations that can’t be had in passing while being interrupted every 30, we would be struggling. Regular date nights and intentional time after the kids are in bed for planning and conversation have been crucial for us.
7. You’ve got far more growing to do than you think
As a single guy I thought I was doing pretty well at life. Sure, I had struggles, but overall I was on top of my game. Then I got married and discovered that I was far more selfish and headstrong than I thought. Then we had kids and that realization only deepened. 10 years in and I’m confident that I’ve got far more growing to do than I did when I was 21 and single.
8. Embrace the season your in
There’s massive goodness and growth in every stage and season of life, but often we undercut that by trying to live like we’re in a different season. If you’re attempting to live like it’s summer and wearing shorts and a T-shirt on a day like today (December 7th, high of 5 degrees), it will make your day far less pleasant.
But if we embrace the season we’re in and set your plans and expectations appropriately (no swimming in the lake in December, but if we bundle up we can go sledding!) you’ll discover the joy of the moment. Embracing your season may mean you get less done than you’d like, that you’ve got to work long hours and late nights, or maybe the opposite. Whatever it is, embrace it.
9. Save more money earlier on
I look back on the first four or so years of marriage when both Kelly and I were working full time and wish that we’d been far more aggressive with saving money. It would have been simple, and probably had minimal lifestyle impact, for us to save or invest 50-75% of one of our incomes during that time. Doing so would have us in a much better place financially than we are now.
10. Start your marriage with the habits you want to have last
It’s far easier to establish new habits during a time of transition, and the first year of marriage is certainly a transitional time. The habits you develop together in those first several months of life as one will, most likely, be the habits that you will carry for decades to come. Be intentional about starting your marriage with the habits that you want to have last.
May these 10 pieces of wisdom be useful to you – regardless of your stage of life!
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