Twelve months ago today Kelly and I were married. I can say with complete honesty that it’s been the best year of my life. The Lord has blessed me hugely with a woman who both puts up with me and loves me, and who is an amazing partner in ministry. Her giftings and strengths fill the spaces where I am lacking in a way that constantly reminds us both that it was the Lord who brought us together.
As I look back over the last year I figured I wanted to make note for myself and for others of a few things that Kelly and I have learned. We both have friends who are getting married in the coming months, and are surrounded by plenty of young singles within Threshingfloor, so hopefully these thoughts help each of you who read them to prepare yourselves for the path that Jesus has before you if it includes marriage. For those of you who feel like marriage is a long way off, take notes. Better to be ready for the journey before you leave than to be miles down the road and realize you forgot something important back at the starting line.
Have a common goal outside of yourselves
One of the most fulfilling things that Kelly and I have had has been our ministry in Threshingfloor. We haven’t had time to get caught up in conflict or disagreement within our marriage because we’re both passionate about seeing the young adults in the FM area become passionate disciples of Jesus. Having a common goal that we’re working towards as a couple keeps us from getting to self-focused. Jesus positions himself as a servant of others. The apostle Paul regularly describes himself as a “servant of Christ” (Phil. 1:1). When a marriage is structured for the sake of the service of others, the Lord blesses it. When the success of the marriage becomes your focus, the struggles begin. Be servants of others together and Jesus will keep you together.
Praying together is powerful
Ministry together and prayer together are inseparable. Some of the most refreshing, intimate moments Kelly and I have had have been when we came before the Lord together to pray. Whether it’s cuddling together on the couch in the morning after reading Scripture and praying for the upcoming day or on our knees pleading for breakthrough in our lives and the lives of our friends, prayer as a couple is powerful. Want unity in your marriage? Pray together. For those of you who are single, cultivate the discipline and habit of prayer – especially you young men – so that you can lead your wife into the joy of united prayer as a couple when the time comes.
Spend time apart, especially with the same gender
Through the past school year and most of the summer Kelly and I have set aside Wednesday nights as the night where we part ways for a few hours to disciple, pray, and get into the Word with other young men and women. In marriage (and in any relationship) there’s a huge temptation to become so caught up in the delights and passions of that relationship that you start drawing away from other friends, especially those of the same gender. Generally the dudes I hang out with don’t have the same interests as my wife. Generally the women she spends time with aren’t interested in what us guys are. Being in love with someone doesn’t negate our need for companionship with people of the same sex. I need time with the guys to talk, joke, and do manly things. Kelly needs time with the ladies to share concerns, pray, and be a woman.
Don’t lose your single friends
Along with the temptation to draw away from friends of the same gender, I find there’s a natural tendency for married couples to pull back from their single friends and shelter in the bubble of couple-life. Double dates are great, but we need to be intentional about having single people in our lives no matter how long we’ve been married for. I love guys like Nate, Andrew, Sanjay, and Erik and the others in our Threshingfloor community. They remind me regularly that there’s more to life than marriage and that God does amazing things in and through people in all stages of life. I benefit greatly from their insights and advice, and I get the honor of fielding questions and giving advice as well. Unless we’re purposeful about it, married couples can easily lose sight of their single friends. Don’t let that happen. They’re too cool to do without.
Make Jesus a bigger deal than your problems
Lastly and most importantly, keep Jesus the biggest thing in your life. He’s a bigger deal than your successes. He’s a bigger deal than your sex life, be it good or bad. He’s a bigger deal than your financial stability. He’s a bigger deal than your tiny apartment or sprawling household. He’s a bigger deal than your passing happiness or drowning despair. He’s a bigger deal than your ministry, and He’s a bigger deal than your marriage.
Married or single, we need to remind ourselves of this. We need to preach it to ourselves because it’s so easily forgotten in the chaos of life. In Revelation Jesus announces himself as “the first and the last, the living one. I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades.” (Rev. 1) When Jesus has his rightful place at the center, lifted high in every situation and struggle, your life and marriage will never fail. My prayer for you, married, engaged, or single, and my prayer for the coming year of Kelly and I’s marriage, is that Jesus would be the center. The gravity of his glory will draw everything else into its proper place.
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