When there’s conflict in our marriage Kelly and I have discovered that we both have radically different and generally unhelpful default ways of responding to one another. When emotions get heated I tend to shut down and withdraw until things blows over. That withdrawal tends to make Kelly feel unloved and does the opposite of what I tend to assume it will do. Rather than trying to escape those uncomfortable situations I need to (often literally) embrace her in order to move towards resolution, despite the fact that it’s far less comfortable to me than escaping for a few minutes.
When conflict comes up or when a hard circumstance arises we either flee, fight, or freeze. We humans are hard-wired to avoid things that are uncomfortable or painful, and our culture only increases the pressure to do so. The world shouts approval of our escape methods with statements about cutting out any negativity from your life, making sure to have space to “do you,” and offering a hundred ways to flee, weapons for fighting, and means of freezing.
As in Kelly and I’s marriage, so in the world in general. When we follow our default pathways of fight, flight, or freeze and try to escape our discomfort we are prevented from resolving the situation.
We live in a culture of escape, and it’s killing us.
A culture of escape
In an argument with a family member or friend? Escape by “winning” the argument with angry words that shut the other person up. Feeling lonely or overwhelmed by regret at past failures? Escape with the help of alcohol, drugs, or the more socially acceptable over eating or over sleeping. Stuck in an awkward conversation? Pretend you’ve just received an important text or call and flee. Trapped alone with your thoughts and unable to sleep? Escape by flipping on Netflix. Feeling overwhelmed by responsibility and the pressure of life as an adult? Escape by calling in sick to work. However you do it, escape.
There are a thousand ways to escape discomfort, many of them incredibly quick and seemingly painless. But each escape comes at a cost.
Escape kills connection
Escape is kills our three most life-giving connections:
- Escape kills our connection to God
- Escape kills our connection to who we truly are
- Escape kills our connection to those around us
We were created in the image of God, wired as relational beings. We need connection for life and growth and purpose.
When I withdraw during times of conflict it kills my connection with my wife. When you escape from your heavy thoughts by going to entertainment, alcohol, sex, or drugs you disconnect from your true self and (more importantly) from God. When we disconnect we stop growing and begin to die.
Escape prevents growth
There’s a reason that “if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger” is a truism. When we run away from hard things it limits our growth.
Obviously there are some circumstances we should flee, but if your life is marked by escapism what you’re actually doing is blocking your own growth and, like any created thing, if you’re not growing you’re dying.
If we want to have the intimate, joy-filled, satisfying relationships we were meant to have with God, with ourselves, and with those around us, we turn from escape and instead set ourselves toward embrace.
A culture of embrace
As in so many things, Jesus is the ultimate example of what it looks like to be a person who embraces. Jesus embrace’s Judas by washing his feet immediately before being betrayed. He embraces Peter after Peter denies him 3 times. He embraces the pain and challenge of the cross despite wanting to flee. And, perhaps most beautifully, Jesus embraced us while we were still enemies and sinners (John 3:16).
God calls us to be people who embrace rather than escape. When someone gets angry at us, rather than fleeing we ought to attempt to understand their viewpoint and empathize. When we feel depressed or lonely we can’t flee from those emotions; instead we must embrace them and gently uncover their roots. As we do so we will discover increasingly deep connection and intimacy with God and with those around you.
Embrace cultivates connection and growth
Embrace is the natural outcome of a heart that has a loving connection with God and with others. Jesus famously declared that the greatest commandment of all was to love God, with the close second being to love others. Love results in embrace, and a life of embracing love transforms us and those around us.
When I push past my urge to escape conflict with Kelly and instead sit down and have a conversation with her we connect and we both grow. When you embrace the frustration of a job that doesn’t fulfill your sense of calling, you grow as you discover more about who you are and what you are created to do. When you embrace the loneliness of being single in your 30s you will find wounds that God is more than capable of healing.
The ability to stop escaping every source of discomfort and instead embrace what God has given you comes from a heart grounded in love. But this love isn’t something that comes by willful determination. We can’t simply decide and muster up the power to love and embrace the uncomfortable or painful. This comes from receiving God’s gracious kindness and embrace in Christ.
It starts with receiving the embrace of God
God in Christ has embraced you, even when you were opposed to him. In Christ he has done what he created us in Christ to do. Rather than being self-focused and avoiding pain or hurt by simply disconnecting or simply eliminating humanity after we sinned God took the on the risk and pain of entering into human existence, fully embracing the broken experience of life on earth.
He did so to become “a sympathetic high priest.” He did it so he could know and understand you.
If you want to move from a life that goes from one escape to another into one that is able to embrace God’s love for you, who you are, and the people God has put around you you need to first see and accept God’s embrace of you.
Jesus is the proof that you aren’t rejected. You aren’t disconnected. He took on flesh and lived a broken, lonely, betrayed, wandering life so that he could know and understand you. He died a death and bore the sins of the world so that he could restore you into connection with himself, his Father, and Spirit. In Christ you have been welcomed, delighted in, and embraced fully and eternally.
Meditate on that beautiful truth. As you do so you’ll find the power to live in embrace rather than escape.
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